you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I pour the whiskey from now on
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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