i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
