This is not my ceiling
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
