3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
