I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
