if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
