im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
