rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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