I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm too high and old for this...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
