Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
