A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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