I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
