I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
