I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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