Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
