just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
