Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
