You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
