My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize