I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
