I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
