I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
