Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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