Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
