turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
