I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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