So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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