Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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