I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
