there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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