I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize