He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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