There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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