her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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