Houston, we have a squirter
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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