she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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