Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
