Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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