after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
