Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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