Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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