I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize