i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
