My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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