I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
