You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
