R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
