I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
