Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
