Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we made out on top of his cat.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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