i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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