cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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