so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
should my penis look like a turkey
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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