Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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