it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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