I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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