Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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