my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
