I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
