life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
