Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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